I have a beautiful girlfriend who is red-headed and “double D”. She is a bit younger than me and so retains the “sparkle”. She is lamenting her reference from her last job. She had a female supervisor who disdained her. Now, my beautiful girlfriend worked for me in a prior job for five years. I’ve known her since 1994 and I am sure of her essence, her demanor and her integrity. So…I immediately suspect that the reason that her professional reference was not all that it should be is, because her former supervisor was an over-weight & angry young woman who could not stand some one as beautiful and kind as my friend. I’ve seen this kind of behavior on many occasions. Folks who are in pain over their own perceived inadequacies try hard to put their pain onto other folks. They wish the worst towards the best. Anyone who “sparkles” is a personal threat to them.
As awful as women can be when faced with a beautiful woman, men can be far worse. Men judge immediately and formulate for themselves all types of attributes that a beautiful woman must have. Often even men that I respect will attribute “dumbness” to blondes in the absence of any evidence that the woman is dumb. I’ve seen men get incredibly nervous when required to work with an attractive woman, to the point where the nervousness results in hostile behavior. Far easier to target an unknowing woman than to deal with insecurities about self. It is true that we are a dishonest and non-confrontive culture, we will often give up on a relationship just to avoid conflict of any sort. Yet I think it reprehensible when people use their professional position to take advantage of others. My own daugter has suffered sexual harrassment to the point of losing her income and even her reputation in her chosen field. Five years later when her supervisor chose to apologize – it was already too late, my daughter had sought out and was safely in a new profession.
There is something about being beautiful that is sort of like being pregnant, people believe they have a right to invade your personal space, as if your appearance is permission for judgment, comment and oh yes, ogling. Why is it okay to stare at anyone? Particularly when your mouth is open or you are frowning…
That is the mysterious relief that I feel about aging and menopause. My attractiveness is no longer a threat to other women. A lot less men chase me and their eyes linger less on my breasts. I get more eye contact than I have ever had in my life. One other thing, the competition is over. I don’t have to put make-up on to go outside. I don’t have to wear the latest and best clothing that is the cutting edge of fashion. No one is looking, I’m not going to get a judgmental comment about my fashion sense (except, of course, from my own daughter). So there is an enormous sense of relief. L.L.Bean and LandsEnd are okay for me, and I won’t ever spend the hours and my disposable income on searching through racks of clothing again.
Please understand that beautiful, sexy women are just like anyone else. Some of them are incredibly bright, some are not, some are insecure, some are very secure. You cannot attribute anything to them without knowing them. I am NOT trying to paint a picture of suffering – even though some consequences can be dire – I just want a conversation about all of what is true. The majority of Americans pursue youth and beauty relentlessly without thought to what could be wrong or negative about their actions. Beauty does not imply perfection and it does not lack heartbreak. Nor does beauty imply that life is easy. Believe me, my beautiful daughter had just as difficult a time giving birth as almost any other woman. She was in labor for 12 hours and “pushed” hard for 3 hours.
Next time you see a beautiful woman, look into her eyes. Be with what is in her eyes. Trust me, she knows if you have objectified her. She knows if you are capable of respect for her inner self. Be ready, because you just may end up with the prettiest friend on the block…
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