The Wisdom that I Seek

Years ago when I was working on the concept of forgiveness, I had a very difficult time getting to forgiveness because I equated it with allowing the person the opportunity to commit the same crime against me.  What I mean by crime is any sort of betrayal or other wrong done to harm me.  I thought that by forgiving the person, I was allowing the person back into my life and that allowance would give the person the means to hurt me again and again.  I thought that by hanging on to my anger and grief I could ward off future attempts made to hurt me.  I realized that my hurt and anger would NOT protect me from further harm and that forgiveness was the only way that I was going to be able to live with MYSELF.  To heck with learning how to live with others, my hurt, grief and anger was keeping me from living with myself.

I now struggle with acceptance.  Once again, I use anger with concepts and people to protect me.  I use anger as a motivator to action.  If I perceive someone has done me wrong, my anger motivates me to take action in response to the wrong doing.  My fear is that being accepting is equal to agreement with wrong-doing.  Of course, I cannot have betrayal, meanness and thievery in my life.  I cannot agree with wrongness and I cannot agree with inequality or mean behavior or any of those things.  How do I have acceptance as a state of being without my brain turning it into a perceived permission for wrong-doing towards me and others?

I think the key to my answer is in my last question.  I can be accepting of my life, accepting of my circumstances, accepting of my present life without agreeing with the concepts that are perpetuated in the moment.  What I mean by this is that, if there is meanness towards me or someone I love, I can accept the fact that it is, in fact happening, and not agree with the act of meanness.  I must bring all of me to the moment-in-time when the meanness occurs so that I can respond appropriately in that moment.  This has been a difficulty for me, and if my reading is correct, it is difficult for all humans, as we respond to conflict through our primal self which tells us fight or flight.   I am usually one who uses flight, to fight seems beyond me.  The only reason I have ever fought was because someone innocent or young was being attacked and needed to be protected.  Although occasionally, I have felt threatened enough to come out fighting.

This past year has been a tough one for me, as I have experienced significantly more meanness from others than I can ever remember.  I am sure that in the minds of those who strike out at me, I have earned their ire for some unknown reason.  Because I have not been in a position of power, indeed, most of my relationships have been shaky at best; I have instead harbored resentment and anger, rather than to engage in fighting.  Herein lies my desire to learn acceptance.  When you are in power, or otherwise wealthy or controlling, it is quite easy to be accepting of others behavior.  I want to be accepting of others because I do not want to have a life of resentment and anger and also; more-importantly, want genuine relationships with people that are not based on power, wealth and prestige.  By learning acceptance I can give myself a break from resentment and I can also enjoy genuine relationships.

I do not think that it is noteworthy for humans to say they are accepting and authentic, when what is really true is that they are powerful and / or wealthy and therefore live in a false environment that lacks genuine feedback.

I want to be accepting in a way that allows true response either in the moment or close enough, such that my relationships are clean and clear.  When I am with you, I do not feel the anger of yesterday, I feel only what we do right now, in this moment. 

Acceptance is the path of my relationship with myself, not my relationship with others.  Being in the moment is not the same as agreeing with the moment.  Agreement is an activity of my mind and what I search for is deeper than that.  Knowing that the universe is as it is – that is the wisdom that I seek.