If you are profoundly independent, this can be a culture shock. There is something about love which makes one dependent on another. There is something about falling in love and choosing a relationship with that person that makes your entire universe shift into something new and in some cases profoundly incongruent. If you are used to doing as you wish and making all of your decisions based upon singular goals (goals that are always about you), then “another” can be a very big change.
There is also the dance of dominance, which certainly takes place in every relationship, and is exquisitely slow in a new relationship. If you are naturally a dominant person and your loved one is also, then an unusually large chore can be made out of the question of control.
Depending on another is a vulnerability deeply felt by me. After years of nurturing myself, I now wish to hear him care for me. It’s very important to me that he listens to my rendition of my day, it is very important to me that he cares about how hungry I am, it is very important to me that he wants to keep me warm at night. I now need that = dependence.
This kind of love requires life changes, self changes, other changes. It is not a bundle of singularly easy changes. This kind of love requires a look into your family, a look into your self, a look into your body, a look into your mind and all of your plans and goals.
When you are young; you are more able to choose the romance of the moment, you do not hold others lives in your hands, responsibilities are limited to what you have created in a limited time. When you are young you are more capable of allowing love to carry all of the moments, and decisions can be made based on your love. While age may not sway you, the realities of the life you have built, certainly will. Your children, your grand children and even your work can sway you. Who you are is so much more defined, your beliefs and your thoughts will often have a period after them and not a question mark.
When you come to love at my age, you may think that you can get away with just loving – and of course you cannot. If you fall in love, you must bring it all to the table. You must include your kids, you must include your grandchildren, and your history is part of the fabric of your new relationship. You may have family habits, traditions and skeletons in the closet, and now you must examine each of these things, because you are no longer one who is fiercely independent, but now you are two and each has all of the above and more.
