When we say beauty is “right” we are, by implication, saying that “ugly” is wrong. For some people, anything less than outright glamour is anathema. I do not wish to be unpopular by saying that the ceaseless pursuit of all things fashion is silly, no, my message is far broader than that. What I want to say is, the most beautiful people are sometimes ugly to look at. Sometimes the plainest people are the most remarkable.
It is okay to (OMG) be old. It is okay to NOT look like you are 22 years old. Acceptance, yes, that is the point, acceptance.
As we processed over this five day exercise, we all became very excited about the possibilities that we could see blooming within us. Yes, I really am a powerful woman! I shared with the other participants in the training. On the fourth day we began discussing the true point of our gathering which was to learn our purpose, as if there was an eternal, right and correct purpose in the universe that the wise and enlightened would follow. What was revealed on that fourth day of the training is that there is no purpose in life. Purpose is what you make it. I remember the pervasive disappointment of that day. We really wanted a prize for all of our efforts, we wanted a statement and a rightness to our work. And the truth was and still is that our purpose lies within us, not without. There is no way to find a purpose from a training or a book, we must bring the value to what we do and we must do what we bring value to.
Our true purpose is to create purpose. What is the purpose of going off to work every day? What is the purpose to feeding the fish? What is the purpose of the one-up-manship games that we play with each other? It is up to us to feel it, intuit it and then to make our activity reflect our purpose. It is up to us to give purpose to our activity.
This brings me to my next related point, a segue shall we say? Yesterday I bought a new dress to wear to an upcoming party. It’s a nice sun dress and my granddaughter loved it. The truth is that no one will really notice what I wear, and those who do will think one of two things, either “that looks ridiculous” or “isn’t she beautiful and elegant”. I think it’s important to point all of that out, because when it comes right down to it, the purpose of the new dress is so that I feel good, so that I feel beautiful and elegant and really it doesn’t matter how anyone else sees it. Their opinions will be reflections of whether or not they like or dislike me and in the end, have no bearing on my truth.
I think that it is important to know that our purpose is our own and that what we do, whether it be buying a new dress or working hard to help people in need, it is all about what is inside of us, not outside. And since this is so, we should look inside for our answers as they always reside there, with our heart.
And I agree with that, I really agree with all of that. Yet, it is incomplete. My experience has been that there have been times when I have loved unconditionally, had my love beaten and bludgeoned, and the love remains. So, what I find is that I must separate myself from this person, who does not receive and does not understand my love. So, I end up loving from afar and faithfully, committedly keeping the toxicity away from myself. Sometimes, it all comes down to discipline. Just because I love you does not mean that I must take care of you, feed you, make love to you, or even be in your presence. Love just does not mean that. Love is an emotion, and while it is a powerful provocateur, love is not action. Action comes from decision.
Molly’s Note and My Grief
9/30/10 – Midnite
This is a time of year that is very emotionally charged for me. Mama’s birthday is 9/28 and ever since mama passed away, I can get fussy around this time. Now my foster son and daughter-in-law have decided to move 3000 miles away and it is a decision that they make on purpose – and because I feel grief about this decision, it makes me think of mama and then of course, I think of Travis. Travis, the father of all of these kids…
Grief is an odd emotion, I say that it is an emotion that “comes upon me”, it sweeps me into a vortex that I do not know is coming. Sometimes, around mama’s birthday, I will brace myself for the grief and it does not come, and then one day that is of no matter, the grief will come and wash me away. I cannot say when grief will come, or when it will go.
So it is, that this day I reflect on Molly’s note – as she tells me good bye – and I must feel my grief for a separation that is chosen. Because Mark & Molly purposefully wish to leave, my grief is shaded with anger. This reminds me of how I felt when Travis died, because it seemed so unnecessary for him to die so young, so quickly, so unexpectedly of his “one and only” heart attack. See, as much as I miss mama, I felt that her death was probably unavoidable, hence no anger accompanied my grief. Not so with Travis’ death, for him, I felt intense anger, anger that he did not take care of himself, anger that his family was not enough motivation for him to care for himself and finally, anger that he would dare abandon us!
Ack – I know – a separation is not death! It’s just that, when Rhea moved 842 miles away, I knew that she did it necessarily and so I was not angry. I am angry with Mark & Molly for unnecessarily leaving me. They are choosing to be away from me, choosing to allow me to miss their lives. Two weeks ago, I spent 3 wonderful days with my stepdaughter, who necessarily left me and got married. I proceeded to miss my stepdaughter’s children, proceeded to miss my stepdaughter’s evolution into a beautiful woman. I missed all of that and I grieve for that. Why must I grieve more? Why must I grieve for Mark & Molly?
So for those separations that I deem necessary, I am not angry – but always – the grief is there. But here, here is the other piece: I love them, all three of them, Mark, Molly and their beautiful daughter Lily. Who am I to selfishly hold my family to me? Who am I to with-hold a beautiful universe from them? What matter is my emotion to the actions of my kids? I do not think they dismiss me, but truly, can you drive your life based on the emotions of your parents, children or siblings? No, of course you cannot. You must “drive” your life based on your compass, based on your direction, based on who you are.
To Mark & Molly; I salute you! Good for you for being so brave! My grief will wax and wane, my anger will surely wane, but the emotion that will never change is my love. My love just stays there in my heart for you and it will be there in my heart when you return. In the meantime, I hope that I do not miss too much.
Now for my current suspicions about manufacturers and retailers. It has been known for decades now, by software developers everywhere, that the average human will only stare at a blank screen for 7 seconds. At the 7th second you need to produce something on the computer screen or your client will look away and start doing something else.
Now software engineers can do just about anything with programming, I imagine that at some point they will produce angels who dance on pin tips, so I do not question ability. That is why my current cell phone experience is suspect. Cell phone companies want you to re-sign a contract every 2 years. They force, lure, blackmail, promise anything to keep people on their calling plans. Every 2 years, they offer a latest gizmo phone and will discount the price of the phone if you will just sign another 2 year contract. I do not like the contracts. Every single time I have been in one, something has happened to make my life difficult( – oh well). This last time, I went ahead and signed the two year contract, because I needed the phones, the price and the service. It just happened that way. Ever since last December, my contract has been expired. How cool is that?
Well wait ’til you hear this… about six months ago my phone started this odd little delay after I dialed a phone number. As a matter of fact that delay is 11 seconds. How interesting is that? Normally a person would say, gee, my phone doesn’t work, I think I will go and get a new one. I am so annoyed I do not want to do that! I think that my phone company has a computer chip in my phone that says – delay phone calls by 11 seconds after 25 months of service.
Yep, I’m a conspiracy theorist. I think that mega-manufacturer’s will do anything for the almighty dollar, it’s the American way. I think that includes manufacturing objects that will quit working on a certain date. Thank goodness that right now at this point in time, I do not need the latest, greatest and fastest phone. In the meantime, I will find a phone and pay for it myself so that I do not need to sign another contract. I feel good, they didn’t “get” me this time, ha-ha!